Hitting Rock Bottom

 This week was probably the lowest of the lows that I experienced at college so far. To be fair, I also experienced the highest of the highs on Sunday, but most of the week was pretty depressing. For the first time, I skipped recitation and lecture not because I was sick, but rather I skipped to finish up work in other classes. Last week, genetics lecture was held online because the professor had a positive COVID test so he had to teach from home. As a result, I ended up watching two of the lectures after the recording was uploaded. I thought it wasn't bad to not attend the Zoom lecture live because it wasn't in-person, but I noticed that watching the recording wasn't the same thing. I wasn't as attentive, got distracted more easily, and the environment where I watched the lecture made it harder for me to learn effectively. I thought that would be the last time I would do such a thing, but I was wrong. 

My time management was so bad this week that I skipped regular in-person lecture for genetics to write up my pre-lab for my lab class. I hate using such extreme words, but I felt ashamed for skipping class. I know that my professors and TAs don't take attendance and don't have the extra energy to make sure everyone shows up. I know that this isn't like high school since no one gets in trouble for skipping lecture in college. I know that my parents never ask me the question "have you been attending your classes" over the phone because they trust me that I am the type of student who attends each lecture, even ones that I find boring. Despite all of that, I still feel a sense of guilt. I think of how much this is going against some of the hard rules I live by, one of which is to attend every lecture and recitation, even ones that I don't find to be that productive. I personally think that I am better to spend my time in a learning environment because I doubt I would use that time to study on my own by reading notes, doing problems, etc. 

I think of how my parents have paid so much of my tuition for me to attend one of the best colleges in the country. I already did the calculation of how much it costs me to attend MIT every day. Considering that the tuition for the 2022-2023 academic year is $57,590 and that there are 130 instructional days, that means it costs me around $440 to attend college. If I end up taking classes over IAP, then that amounts to 145 instructional days, so the daily cost would be around $400. Assuming that I choose to do some other activity like research or teaching over IAP, I will then divide this number by the average instructional hours I receive every day. I am taking the equivalent of 4.5 classes and one of them is a lab class, so I have 24 instructional hours (excluding office hours). This means that on average I spend 5 instructional hours per day for the 2022 fall semester. This is around $90 per hour. $1.5 per minute. I know that this calculation is flawed as I make general assumptions like not counting office hours. It is also flawed by not taking into account that my tuition pays for resources like the career center, communication center, etc. If I do count office hours and review session (3 hours on average per week), then that lowers the hourly rate to $80. That is still a lot of money. 

Regardless of the calculation, the point is that missing an hour of lecture, recitation, or optional office hours is the equivalent of wasting money. It is also a horrible, vicious cycle. After missing the lecture, I realized that I had to watch the recording to make up for the class, but now I have trouble knowing when to watch the lecture. This is one main consequence of missing lecture/recitation. You could teach yourself the material, but the activation energy to find the time to make up the material is quite high. For someone like me, I benefit a lot more by attending an in-person class because the environment just subconsciously makes me focus on the chalkboard and projector instead of being distracted by my computer. I simply listen to the professor, take notes, and occasionally raise my hand or ask questions after class. Sure, one could attend lecture and be completely distracted, but sitting in the front row makes it less likely for me to do such a thing as it looks rude to be on another device while the professor is teaching. If I knew that the class wouldn't be recorded, I would be less likely to miss lecture. That is not to say that recording lectures is a bad thing. It is a good resource when reviewing for midterms. 

I am also mad that I missed recitation. Skipping recitation is more understandable because some people don't find their TAs to be helpful and some people had previous exposure to the material, so they don't need a refresher. For me, however, I don't think it hurts to go to recitation. Like lecture, it's an environment that is conducive to learning. The TA goes over the class material and provides some explanations on how to do the practice problems. I felt somewhat better after the TA told me that I didn't miss much from the recitation since I attended the review session outside of class. Despite that, I knew that I was probably better off going than not going. 

I really don't want to do this again. I am so tired of hating myself. It is mentally draining and makes me less motivated to set high goals for other things. I think what made me end up skipping a couple of classes these past days is that for the past month, I have been relying on my one-hour lunch break to finish up last-minute work. This week, however, I decided to overschedule myself by using my free lunch break to attend meetings and help out with clubs. I don't think I realized until now that there is some danger of relying on my one-hour lunch break to finish my lab homework and other assignments. It doesn't address or solve the ever-growing problem of procrastination. Also, I never learned to finish things the day before. 

I think the solution to this problem is to finish assignments in advance, instead of being dependent on the submission being right before class or midnight. In order to do things in advance, I have to do little bits of work every day. I have to do some work on the weekend or else the assignments will control me. I have to accept and yield to the fact that as a college student, I can't have two free days on the weekend. This is a fact of life. I can't go back to the carefree summer days of wandering around random towns on foot. I have to learn that there is still something nice about having a portion of the day devoted to free time and that I can find a nice compromise. 

I know that procrastination is a common problem among most people, but this week's procrastination was so bad to the point that I resorted to skipping class just to catch up on other classes. I know that's counterintuitive because that will make me behind in other classes. Thankfully, the long weekend will hopefully reset the button. This is an extreme analogy, but I felt like my procrastination was like a severe addiction.