I always wanted to write this blog post right after I read my Future Me sent to me back in early July, but I always pushed it for later. For some context, I wrote a Future Me on July 3rd, 2021 that got sent to me on July 2nd, 2022. Writing a letter to my future self was part of an online NYSC (National Youth Science Camp) activity during a cabin meeting session. A cabin meeting is where the staph members hold group discussions about various topics like goals in life, college advice, etc. There were also opportunities to socialize with other camp delegates through online games and other events.
I didn't think too much about the letter after I wrote it and my impressions of what I wrote didn't quite align with what I read. I won't share my entire letter because some parts are personal, but there was a paragraph in the letter that made me really sad:
Dear Future Me,
I already wrote a Future Me that will be delivered in June 2025 [1], but I guess it does not hurt to write another one. Anyhow, I have to complete this task before the cabin meeting ends.
I want to feel more confident in myself, though I honestly doubt that will happen. You see, I wrote that hope in 8th grade and when I read it in 12th grade I don't think I felt a lot more confident. I think I want to feel more confident when it comes to being confident in my body cause I always feel that I am ugly or fat. You get the idea.
I know that I always had issues with my confidence for a long time, though it broke my heart to read what I wrote a year ago. It seemed like I accepted that I would never become more confident and that having low self-esteem was simply part of my identity. Past me sounded like I had a fixed mindset and that I couldn't change some aspects of myself.
The last two sentences of the paragraph aren't that coherent or well thought-out, but the essence of the idea is still there. I think one reason I have had low self-esteem for many years comes from how I perceive my body. I know that based on my BMI, I am not overweight, but I tend to find faults whenever I stare at the mirror too long. Either my face is too round or I have some early signs of a double chin. My parents sometimes made these comments at home and over time, I internalized these thoughts. As I am writing this blog, I am reluctant to keep going on about my parents because it makes me sound ungrateful to them. I am conflicted about whether they had good intentions and were a bit blunt about my body shape, or could have told me in a nicer way about being healthy.
Their comments indirectly made me hate my body weight for being heavier than my mom and as a result, I had phases in which I used My Fitness Pal so I could lose weight, even though I had no good reason to lose weight. Why was I so fixated on reaching the goal of 56 kg when I was at 58 kg? I know that my parents care about my physical health and nutrition. They aren't necessarily wrong when they make the observation that one semester of college has made my cheeks rounder. But I wonder if this contributes to the low self-worth of my body.
The word always in the phrase "I always feel ugly or fat" haunts me. To be honest, I don't think there was ever a time I thought I was good-looking. The last time may have been when I was ten or eleven years old. Because I never thought of myself as attractive, I had a hard time believing someone who said that "I look cute." I thought the comment meant that my quirks and personality made me cute, which had nothing to do with my looks. I know I am sharing a bit too much about my personal life, but when someone offered a kiss (I said no), I thought the reason was that they pitied me for never experiencing anything romantic in my life and thought I would be happier to experience my first kiss or something. It wasn't because I was attractive or anything.
The next paragraph of my letter discusses my other insecurities, which is imposter syndrome:
I am not sure if this is unrealistic, but I hope that you don't feel as much imposter syndrome compared to now. I am not even in college and I already have some imposter syndrome.
This paragraph doesn't come off as sad and depressing compared to the one I talked about above, but it is still a bit grim. Before coming to MIT, I had imposter syndrome and sometimes felt "survivor's guilt" for getting in while other people who were just as qualified as me or more qualified than me got rejected. As someone who attended high school in the Bay Area, I knew many high-achieving students who got rejected by schools I thought they would get in. To some extent, I was luckier than them. I don't know why I feel survivor's guilt. I have to tell myself that the admissions officers had a panel discussion and decided to let me in.
After a year of attending MIT, I have to say that imposter syndrome affects almost everyone here. Mine was not severe, but sometimes I wondered whether I even belonged here as I sat with a group of IChO (International Chemistry Olympiad) kids in the lecture room. Even though some may not have the characteristics of imposter syndrome, people have their insecurities and vulnerabilities. It doesn't matter whether you made study camp for an olympiad or won a grand award in science fair. In the end, people will think about aspects they aren't strong at, like math or Chinese or whatever.
I am not sure how I can minimize imposter syndrome. I think for me the only way is to keep telling myself that the admissions officers did not admit me by mistake.
Although my Future Me letter sounds pretty pessimistic overall, I am glad that the ending was more optimistic and hopeful:
I know that I asked a lot of you and it is ok if it didn't turn out that way. As long as you managed to accomplish some things on this list then I am satisfied. I am not saying this to sound like I have low expectations. I just don't want to make you feel disappointed. Anyhow, you have 3 more years in college. Of course, use them wisely.
Part of me likes that past me reassured my future me that I don't have to be perfect, but the other part of me feels a bit irritated. I don't really like the idea of setting a low bar in order to maximize happiness. Maybe a better way to think about happiness is to be realistic. But what if being realistic means having low expectations? I am glad I came in not being too hard on myself, like having to get a high GPA or be one of the highest-performing students in a class.
How I ended my letter sounds a bit ominous (of course, use them wisely). I had this mindset before coming here that I really can't have regrets in life since I was sick of having so many from the past. Now I think about it, there's some value in having regrets. With careful thought and deep reflection, regrets make us become more mature and wiser. Since we can only live one life and not have a second chance to redo it, there will always be regrets in some shape or form.
I didn't expect my analysis of my Future Me letter to open up many doors about my vulnerabilities, but I think it is a good exercise for introspection, a practice that I don't do enough.
Footnotes:
[1] I wrote one around this time to be opened after I graduated from college.
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