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Wanting to Crawl into a Cave

Sometimes, I want to just crawl into a metaphorical cave and not leave the cave. A situation like a coma that lasts for a few months and I wake up in a new world. I know that staying inside this cave won't solve anything. I will have the ever-growing pile of problem sets, midterms, and other assignments. I will still have a lot of knowledge hanging over my head like a cloud. I just want to escape from this constant cycle of misery in which everything seems to be out of control. It is hard to understand this situation until one lives through the situation. I mean the situation in which no matter how hard you try to pay attention in lecture and recitation, you still don't get anything that is happening in class. I mean how you stare at the problem set blankly for a long time and still not know what to do. I know that I don't have to struggle alone. There are resources out there like tutoring centers, office hours, and my peers. But I don't ask for help so I don't look too needy or dependent on others, even though I am sure they are happy to help me. 

I know that things will only become harder in the future, not easier. I don't want to associate college with four years of hell. Sometimes, I wonder if the culture of IHTFP is avoidable and a bad thing. We make fun of Stanford by casually joking that it is better to constantly vent our frustrations instead of keeping it to ourselves and having the Stanford duck syndrome. Maybe IHTFP is inevitable no matter which college one attends and it is a matter of how transparent people are at their respective colleges. 

I want to be optimistic, not pessimistic. I read some of the MIT bloggers write about why they chose MIT when I feel sad. Although it is undeniably hard, the rigor will make me a stronger scientist, student, and thinker. It reminds me of the quote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." They say that the failures you learn here will make you a better person. I have failed a lot here already, but I don't think I have actually become wiser in the process. I am making the same mistakes again and again. 

I wish I could crawl into a hole and give up on these hard classes, even though that isn't the solution. I don't want to be the 50% that Brad Felds, a MIT alumnus, wrote in the banana lounge. He said that from his observations, 10% are extremely smart and they excel. 40% are extremely smart and have some difficulties but they figure out the system and manage to do fine in the end. 50% are extremely smart and struggle and leave thinking that MIT is a daily assault on their self-esteem. I think I am in the gray area and I don't want to become the 50% who hates this place and feels miserable. I want to be the 40%. The 10% is out of the question. 



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