For the past few weeks, I have been pretty cynical and pessimistic about love. I avoid listening to any songs about love. I lost interest in reading romance novels. I don't have thoughts of watching romantic movies or videos. In other words, I don't want to think about love.
Maybe it is inappropriate for me to overshare on this blog and talk about overly personal stuff, but let me just say that my feelings for someone were unreciprocated. I hope this person isn't reading this blog or else it might make them feel quite awkward (that is if they are aware that I liked them). I want to say that it wasn't a surprise, yet it still felt somewhat disappointing. A week after Valentine's Day, I wondered why I even liked this person. I wrote a whole article for The Tech about distractions and love and suffering and emptiness. But even writing a 1500 word article didn't provide closure. I still thought about what happened in my brain for the past 18 months, thinking about this particular person for no good reason.
These thoughts drifted in and out of my brain for a couple of weeks and honestly made me quite irritated at myself. In hindsight, I view my former obsessed self as irrational and silly. I wondered what did I get out of liking someone intensely. I struggled to think of any benefit. All I could muster was the word "nothing." And that made me unhappy. I didn't like that my answer implied that I would find having a crush worthwhile only if they liked me back, which is obviously unlikely. Also, the answer made me sound self-centered. What was the point of wasting my mental energy thinking about someone I barely knew? I know that I sound bitter and pathetic on this blog, but I don't know how else to convey these feelings of disillusionment more effectively online.
The unanswered question of what were the benefits of having a crush lingered inside of me and drove me crazy that I ended up calling my mom late at night, asking her this question. I wanted some answer that would end this endless questioning. I just wanted an answer, even an unpleasant one. My mom's answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, but what she told me is that from her experience, she learned that she could never glorify someone with little information she had about them. I know that my mom was trying to be as helpful as possible, but it didn't feel new or insightful. Of course, I knew that I should not have glamorized my crush solely based on pieces of information I gathered, but I still did it. Could I really stop myself?
While the conversation with my mom was not what I expected, I still think it was worthwhile to talk to my mom about this topic since she is older than me. I was still unsatisfied until I had a small epiphany moment while walking across campus. While I was brainstorming what I could potentially write for the New York Times Modern Love college essay contest, I thought about a 100-word story I read on the New York Times Modern Love column that I screenshotted and sent to my friend. Here is the story:
Lesson in Love
I lost faith in love when I was 11, growing up closeted in a conservative California community. Then, at 19, I met Tyler. He was thoughtful and dependable, everything I wanted in a partner. Like an animation, my gray world suddenly became colorful; my feelings for him were vivid. But he was well off and definitely not gay, while I was gay and poor. Not meant to be together, just to complement each other’s lives. I still believe in love, but I now understand that love also means knowing when to let go. — Kevin Vo
When I read the last two sentences, I felt like I was at peace with myself, an internal state that I never achieved before recalling this story. For the past few weeks, I felt like I was constantly fighting against myself, being mad at myself for using fiction books and movies as a source of guidance for romance and love when these stories didn't reflect reality. I still think these stories hold value, though I should have stepped back and considered the overall picture.
While the reasons for not being with my crush are different from the ones in this story, I can still relate to this person's story to some extent since both of us experienced unrequited love. The main difference, however, is that the writer chooses to view this experience as a valuable lesson, whereas I viewed my experience with bitterness that was unnecessary and not helpful.
After reading this Tiny Love Story, I have formulated an answer that for once makes me feel satisfied. I learned from this experience that it is important to let go and move on. At some point, it isn't healthy to attach yourself to one person because it keeps the cycle of emptiness and desire running. By letting go, you are doing yourself a favor by being in an emotional state that is healthier than constantly thinking about ways to get this person to like you back or wondering whether this person likes you. Not only that, but also you free yourself from overthinking about stupid little things like whether you wrote a good text to this person or what specific words to say before you see them.
I know that I am cynical, but from my own experience, I learned that it doesn't do much good to keep finding ways to initiate conversations with someone over text and not be cognizant of how the other side responds. It is tiring and not worth the time. I know that not having your feelings reciprocated can be a blow to your ego (which it did to mine), but you simply have to acknowledge this fact and accept that they can still be your friend, but not your significant other. At some point, you just have to stop chasing them and back down. Distance yourself from this person for a while and I mean both in-person and online. Take the time to reflect and reconsider your choices. It may sound discouraging, but be happy that you are still on good terms with them and they think of you as an agreeable person (I hope that is the case).
I wonder if I needed to live through this experience to actually learn this lesson, but I guess that is what life is. Before having this crush, I am pretty sure I knew that it was common sense to not bother getting someone to like me back when I was the one who wrote verbose messages and asked a bit too many questions. But is common sense really common sense? The truth of the matter is that humans aren't as intelligent as they claim to be (including me) and at the end of the day, common sense is perhaps something that isn't that intuitive.
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