Regarding Colorado

 While I was revising my memoir about Taiwan for my writing class, I came across a thought that I never had before: why did I miss Taiwan more than Colorado? I noticed that I wrote a couple of blog posts about missing Taiwan whereas I had no blog posts about Colorado. Technically, I lived in Colorado for a longer time than Taiwan, though I lived in Colorado from the ages of 3 to 8. As a result, I have fewer memories of Colorado compared to Taiwan since I lived in Taiwan from the ages of 8 to 13. 

Despite having fewer memories of Colorado, I still remember some distinct things about Colorado that I loved, from the local lake to the leisurely strolls around the golf course in my neighborhood. Living in Colorado made me develop an appreciation for nature as I lived near the Flatirons. I think one benefit of living near Boulder is that Boulder is one of the healthiest cities in the U.S., so there were a lot of outdoor activities for me ranging from hiking to fishing. If I had to use three words to describe my experience in Colorado, it would be these words: idyllic, sweet, and golden. 

I would say that my perception of Colorado was more positive right after I moved from Colorado to Taiwan because I missed the pleasant aspects of American suburbia like the planned out neighborhoods and the neatly trimmed lawns each house had. As the years passed by, however, my outlook began to change. After I moved back to California and reflected upon my years in Taiwan, I started to think more about my ethnic and cultural identity as a Chinese American. The more I thought about how Taiwan shaped me, the more I realized that if I still stayed in Colorado, I would still be disconnected from  Chinese language and culture. I know I have stated this sometimes in my blog, but I just wanted to make a more explicit connection between the two. As I grew older over time, I started to associate Colorado as a place where I barely knew myself. At the same time, however, I think it is kind of unfair for me to be so hard on my childhood self since I obviously did not think about weighty matters as a kid. 

At that time, I had little else to compare to and I didn't notice that there were any problems. I hated going to Chinese school and refused to speak Chinese at home, which is why my parents pretty much spoke to me in English. Looking back, I am filled with this sense of shame for failing to love a language that was part of my cultural heritage. I barely knew much about Chinese traditions and beliefs besides the snippets that I would find in my textbook about well-known things like Chinese New Year. After living in a few more places, however, I realized how difficult it was for me to be fully immersed in Chinese culture in Colorado. For context, I lived in a predominantly white neighborhood and went to a school that was probably 15% Asian. 

Another reason that I don't really miss Colorado as much compared to Taiwan is that I have a lot more vivid sensory memories of Taiwan, especially the food. This is not to say that Colorado has worse food than Taiwan, but rather that the food in Taiwan was the catalyst that made me fall in love with Chinese culture even more. While some dishes in Taiwan are distinctly Taiwanese like stinky tofu and oyster omelets, other ones came from Mainland China like xiaolongbao and chive pockets. I did have Chinese food at home in Colorado, but going to Taiwan took that culinary experience onto another level. I think my food journey kind of reminds me of the opening chapter in Anthony Bourdain's memoir, Kitchen Confidential, as he discusses how a childhood trip to France inspired him to become a chef. 

Besides the food, I miss the strange sense of belonging that I felt in Taiwan, which I didn't quite find in Colorado. I use the adjective 'strange' to describe my feelings because even though I blended in with the crowd in Taiwan, I was still considered an outsider because I was American and I had no relatives in Taiwan. I don't recall experiencing any racial discrimination or social exclusion in Colorado, but it wasn't until I lived in Taiwan that I realized how nice it was to live in a place where I didn't have to subconsciously remind myself that I was the minority. 

I think my relationship with Colorado is positive overall, but in recent years it has been more complex and complicated. I don't think it is right of me to blame the geographical location for not making me feel connected to my culture, but at the same time, I can't ignore the fact that environment plays a big role when it comes to one's identity. I will still want to visit Colorado someday and go back in memory lane, but my heart yearns for Taiwan even more.