Yesterday was my last day at home. In my recent blog titled "Last Days," I mentioned how I expected to feel very excited about leaving for college, but I actually had some mixed feelings. I don't know how to describe the feeling I had on Sunday. It was a rare sensation that I experienced. My body felt heavy and I couldn't breathe as easily compared to a normal day. Of course, I have felt heavy-hearted before whenever I failed some test or competition. This time, however, I didn't have a direct reason linked to this feeling. After reading parts of Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, I would probably use the word poignant even though I am aware of the positive things about college.
I think the reason I felt kind of sad is that I was no longer going to live in my house, which is more comfortable compared to a dorm. I mean, it is so easy to be comfortable with the known instead of venturing out to the unknown. Before I went to bed, I took a good look at the objects displayed in my bedroom. The books aligned on my wall according to random factors like height, publisher, and color. The MIT posters and brochures that I taped onto the wall. The chemistry textbooks near my study desk. I only lived in my house for five years, so it was probably not as emotional compared to people that lived in the same house for most of their lives.
On my morning bike ride, I tried my best to focus on the present moment because it was my last bike ride. I tried to take in everything I saw that I usually overlooked or ignored. I savored the pleasant weather that I would not experience in New England. I admired the small things around me, whether it was the quiet surroundings or the wooden path. While I could go back biking when I arrive home, my next flight home will be in late December, which is a long time.
The thing that I mourned the most on Sunday was the fact I will no longer have access to a piano in college. Although there is a music room in my dorm, I will no longer have the luxury of letting myself play as long as I wanted. The pieces I chose to play on Sunday were my favorite ones. I attempted to play some pieces I didn't play in a long time, like Chopin's Etude in C-Sharp Minor (The Cello). I also tried playing some lighthearted ones, like Debussy's Gradus ad Parnassum. When it was around 9 PM, it was time for me to go to sleep early. When I was ready to go to sleep, I gave each of my stuffed animals a hug and I said some parting words to my brother. I am going to miss the camaraderie between my brother and me. I am going to miss how my brother and I can talk about random things without judgment and play with stuffed animals. I am going to miss the inside jokes we have and the childhood experiences we can discuss.
When I turned off the lights and went to sleep, it felt weird not sleeping with my stuffed animals as they are in the suitcase. For me, sleeping with my stuffed animals provides me some source of comfort and warmth. As a result, it took me a long time to fall asleep since I am so used to resting my chin on my stuffed animal. I wonder whether I will grow out of stuffed animals, but for now, I don't see that coming.
Today, I woke up quite early at 5:30 AM to go to SFO (San Francisco International Airport). I thought of making a vlog, but I was honestly so tired that I decided not to make one. Also, I didn't want my phone to die off from a lot of camera footage. I left before sunrise and on the way to the airport, I had the song Boston by Augustana playing in my head. I wished I could have played the song in the car to make it sound like I was part of some coming-of-age film, but that's ok. I don't really see myself as a protagonist in a young adult film, though I think it is valid to think that everyone's life has a meaningful story to share that is worthy of being a book or film. Thinking of the song made things more sentimental because the song lyrics are about leaving a new place and moving to somewhere new. In the song, the person leaves California to move to Boston. If you haven't heard the song, I highly recommend listening to it because I think everyone can relate to the song to some certain extent, even those who aren't on the same path as me!
After I boarded the plane, I found it amusing that all the people in my row (six people) were also going to MIT. I met two of my classmates (one happened to be in the same pre-orientation program) and the other people were parents. It was nice that I got to talk a lot about MIT with my classmate that sat next to me. I think the conversation made me a lot more excited about going to college because I didn't think too much about leaving home and all those sentimental feelings.
When I arrived in Boston and went to my family friend's house, it was exciting to see new things for the first time that are probably pretty ordinary for New Englanders like the old residential houses and the differences in town planning. The last time I even left northern California was two years ago. Although it wasn't my first time in Boston, my short trip in 2017 mainly consisted of visiting Harvard, MIT, and Chinatown. I didn't get to explore much beyond those boundaries.
It is now 10:30 PM as I am writing this blog and I am more optimistic about college. My concerns like belonging to a home outside of my home and finding solitude still linger, but they are not on my mind that much anymore.
For those who are curious about my thoughts about the song Boston, here are my annotations of some excerpts (see the footnotes down below):
In the light of the sun [1]
Is there anyone? [2]
Oh, it has begun [3]
Oh dear, you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed [4]
This world you must have crossed
...
She said I think I'll go to Boston [5]
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name [6]
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather [7]
Think I'll get a lover
And fly him out to Spain [8]
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town [9]
To leave this all behind [10]
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice [11]
...
Boston
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Yeah
Boston
Where no one knows my name [12]
Footnotes:
[1] Unfortunately, the day was cloudy because of the smoke and there was no beautiful sunrise when I left home to go to the airport around 6:15 AM.
[2] I felt this feeling when my dad and I were the few people on the country road on the way to the highway. It is a daily road that I use and it is one of the few places that remain rustic in my suburban community.
[3] College not only means a new place, but also a new life.
[4] I wonder if my dad was internally crying when he was driving me to the airport because he admitted that he was sad to see me leave. He only cried once in his life and he barely shows many feelings.
[5] Technically MIT is in Cambridge but it is literally right next to Boston.
[6] This totally resonated with me. One reason I chose MIT was that it provided me the opportunity to leave California, which would make it easier for me to become a different person and leave my past self in California. I can't imagine going to a college so close to home where you feel like you are still stuck in high school.
[7] Don't get me wrong; California has a pleasant climate and other great things. However, the idea of staying in California for another four years attending college wasn't as exciting as moving to New England for the first time. I like the weather, though I honestly dreamed of experiencing a white Christmas or seeing winter magic from time to time.
[8] This is probably the only part of the song that I don't see happening in my life because I will be forever alone.
[9] Although I was tired of moving a number of times during my childhood and adolescence, I would say that I wouldn't be the type of person who would want to live in the same place for a very long time or else it may get boring. Of course, stability is important, but some adventure doesn't hurt.
[10] One plus of going to a city for college is that it is a lot more happening and there are so many things to do. Leaving behind the humdrum suburban life is a good thing for a young person like me.
[11] I know that snow does make roads annoying and dangerous, but snow is quite amazing (based on my childhood in Colorado).
[12] Blast this on repeat many times in my head. I should try playing it with headphones on.
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