Last Days

College move-in day is less than two weeks away. I have been waiting so long for this day to arrive, yet I haven't fully registered that I am going to leave California. I haven't felt super sentimental and sad, though I have noticed that I am spending a lot more time reflecting upon who I want to be in college, such as being more health-conscious and having new interests like singing. These thoughts came with some bad habits I want to break before starting a new chapter of my life, such as entering internet rabbit holes from being too curious about random trivial things. I also thought about the person that I want to leave, as I view California as the place that I spent my adolescent years and something that will be part of the past. 

Unlike the previous months of 2021, I am actively trying to live the most out of my life. I visited my high school friends, explored areas outside the Bay Area, and attempted to play all the Chopin nocturnes in my piano book. I wrote down a list of piano pieces that I wanted to play at least a couple more times before I headed off to college. These included my classic favorites such as Debussy's Arabesque, Children's Corner, and Claire de Lune. 

What motivated me to spend more time playing the piano is that I will not have access to my own piano in college and even though there is a music room, I don't expect the piano to be properly tuned or have that nice sound. When I think about the future, I am mourning the fact that I will probably never get to play piano as well as now. My piano skills have already deteriorated ever since I stopped taking private lessons in tenth grade. I hate that the sound I hear when I play the piano doesn't resemble what I hear other pianists play. It is the constant reminder of the gap that sometimes deters me from playing seriously. Enough of the rambling here. 

As the days started counting down from 30 to 20 to 10, I began to develop regrets about what I didn't do during my time in California. One regret that I have is that I didn't visit all the places that I wanted to visit in the Bay Area, which included museums like the Asian Art Museum and other famous landmarks. I sometimes wonder whether there are tourists that know more about San Francisco than me. If so, that is ironic and kind of depressing. I think the main reason I never visited San Francisco was the pandemic. There were so many trips I thought of doing last year, but they weren't possible. If there was no pandemic, I probably would still not visit San Francisco that often because my mom would have to drive me there, which isn't that convenient. I live 50 minutes away from the city, assuming that I go there after the traffic jam ends. I find it somewhat sad that I repeated the same mistake that I did five years ago when I lived in Taipei. If you read my earlier blog posts, one of my main regrets after leaving Taipei was not exploring the place enough. Of course, I will fly back home at least once a year, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can visit San Francisco all the time. 

Going back to the present moment, I don't think I will completely process the fact that I will be living in a college dorm until I have packed my luggage and suitcase full of items that are on the dorm checklist. I am excited to live in the Boston area. I have daydreamed for almost a year of the marvelous museums, restaurants, and places to visit. I have read countless blogs on the MIT Admissions website about the students' lives there. But I now don't feel ready yet. There are so many things that my parents do for me, which makes me kind of dependent on them like running errands and grocery shopping. I know how to cook, but I haven't thought much about other responsibilities that come with being an adult like paying your bills, filling out forms, etc. 

They don't sound hard on the surface, but I still feel like I am a child. As much as I complain about the boring life in suburbia, I honestly love living in a rather quiet environment. I think one problem that comes with dorm living is that everyone around me is probably awake and there isn't as much quiet space. I like my roommate, though I have to admit that not having a room for myself comes with some disadvantages. I don't want my sleep schedule to be screwed up and turned upside down, though I feel that this is inevitable and happens to everyone in college, even for those that don't imagine sleeping so late. 

All in all, my thoughts and feelings of my last days before heading off to college are mixed. Overall, I am excited about the new lifestyle. On the other hand, I am a bit scared of certain things like living on my own and the academic rigor of college. I feel like my current expectations of college will not align with reality at all, such as making close friends by the end of orientation and doing well in my classes. I doubt that my college experience will reflect what I see on YouTube or movies because college is mostly studying and doing research. Nevertheless, I bet the journey will be a memorable one.