Half of 2021 is already over, and I am currently on my 30th book. While there are still many books I have not read yet, I am confident to say that Call Me By Your Name (CMBYN) is one of the best books I have read in my life. I do not say this as an exaggeration. It was such a good book that I was excited to write a book review about it for my school's newspaper that you can find here. I read the book three months ago, but I still think about the book from time to time. I don't know if I can call myself a real fan of CMBYN, though I definitely agree that I was kind of obsessed with it for some period of time.
For those that haven't read the book, Call Me By Your Name is about a 17-year-old boy called Elio Perlman who falls in love with Oliver, a summer scholar working under Elio's father. Taking place in the Italian Riviera, Elio and Oliver end up falling in love with each other and have one of the most memorable times of their lives in the summer of 1987.
Although I wouldn't describe myself to be a romantic person, I still enjoyed reading this romance novel a lot. You can read a lot of the reasons why I enjoyed the book in the article that I linked above, so I will discuss things that I did not mention in the book review. I notice that the romance novels that I have enjoyed reading so far are LGBTQ ones because I feel like the heteronormative story about a girl that falls in love with a boy is kind of boring and cliche. I loved how Elio overcame his internalized homophobia and ended up confessing his love for Oliver. I don't think Elio ever denied his love for Oliver in the beginning, though I could see why he would switch between hatred and love in his mind. I might be interpreting the book incorrectly, but he hated Oliver in the beginning so he wouldn't have him on his mind. In the end, however, Elio embraces the fact that he is bisexual and so does Oliver. The process of discovering one's true identity and embracing that identity is what I found to be beautiful. In general, the whole book made me feel like I entered this ideal world that felt like I was in a dream. The ending was not unrealistic, but the whole thing that happened in Italy was so perfect.
Another reason I loved CMBYN was that the book evoked so many complex emotions like nostalgia and melancholy. Even though Elio and Oliver are fictional characters, all the emotions I felt were so real. It was as if I was watching Elio live his life as an observer. One emotion the book evoked that I couldn't find in other books was saudade, a Portuguese word that has no direct translation in English. Unlike nostalgia, saudade is a type of longing that comes from knowing that a certain experience may never happen again. Based on what I have read on the internet, saudade is missing someone in the past because the love is still there. It is the melancholic feeling of knowing that something you want most likely will not happen in the future. I probably shouldn't spoil the ending of the book, but it is hard for me to continue on without explaining what happened in the book. Unfortunately, Oliver and Elio's romantic relationship ends because Oliver ends up marrying someone and he has a family. When I read the ending, I could feel saudade coming off of the pages. I think I have experienced saudade in my life, though I feel like nostalgia could replace that word in my situation when it comes to thinking about Taiwan.
Even though CMBYN is a book about two men that fall in love with each other, I still think the book can have a profound impact on anyone regardless of their sexual orientation. What made CMBYN such a memorable read was that CMBYN made me think about one of the hardest questions in life that have no right or wrong answer, like whether you should confess your feelings or keep them to yourself. All of this is based on my imagination, but if Elio was too scared to admit his feelings, then there would not be any story. Elio would not have had those vivid memories of Oliver and his life would be quite different. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to wrap my head around that possibility and I find it kind of mind-blowing. I wonder how many people's lives were different because they didn't have the courage to express their true emotions.
The most important lesson I learned from CMBYN that I will never forget is the monologue that Elio's dad, Mr. Perlman, gives to his son. When I read the book, it got me thinking about how hard I try to suppress my feelings and emotions, causing me to end up acting kind of robotic and mechanical. I get mad at myself for having some romantic feelings even though everyone tells me it is natural and common. If I keep on going on like this, I will probably be emotionally bankrupt a lot earlier than the age of 30. It wasn't until I watched the movie version that I fully took in what Mr. Perlman said about letting yourself be human, which means experiencing emotions without any resistance. I only have one life and that means living as one whole being instead of switching between the person I want to be and the person that I actually am. Overcoming my tendencies to be mad at myself for something I can't control will not happen within a day. It will be a long and gradual process.
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