The Need to Apologize

I think one personal struggle that has been with me throughout high school is that I mess up by saying something that wasn't nice or polite and then I end up apologizing to the person. There have been so many times that I don't think before I talk and when I say the words out loud, it is too late. Then, I feel very bad and guilty for what I did. The worse thing is that I don't apologize right away and I am such a coward that I end up apologizing over text. As I write this blog, I do recall times that I apologized in person, but my impression is that the majority of the time is through texting. But apologizing over text cannot substitute apologizing in a face-to-face setting. It shows that I can't confront the issue in real life so I turn to easier means to solve the solution. 

My problem with apologizing over text instead of apologizing in person wasn't made obvious until I read a short book called Screen Kids about kids living in the digital era. In my honest opinion, I think Screen Kids was a bit too extreme because the author doesn't even trust her teenage son to have a phone. Despite being a bit extreme, one thing I appreciated from Screen Kids was when I read about the problem with technology and apologies. These days people do not know the true art of making apologies and they think they can apologize simply by writing a short text saying they are sorry and they won't do that again. That description matched me quite well. When I first read it, it kind of felt like a wake-up call and it was a slap in the face for me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't look at the person in the eye and say a genuine apology, causing me to rely on digital methods. Before reading that book, I never thought about the fact that each time I apologized over text, I took away an opportunity for growth and development. 

Now, I don't want you to think that I am writing a post to pity myself and get your sympathy. Instead, I want to write this blog so I can think of ways I can be a better person in the future. The obvious solution based on what I have been writing is to be more courageous and that means apologizing in person. Choosing the more difficult route may be daunting at first, but it is the only way for me to grow as a person. I don't think apologizing over text is a substitute for in-person apologies because talking in person involves reading their body language and emotions. As I am blogging, I realize that the root problem is that I say things without thinking. If I act in a conscious manner every time I am in a conversation, then I will not need to suffer the consequences of feeling bad and then apologizing. 

I don't know why I like to say things without thinking. I think it has to do with the fact that I like to talk a lot. If I was a very introverted person, I would spend most of my time listening to conversations, which would allow me to spend more time thinking about what to say. I remember some advice my chemistry teacher gave me for my concerns about saying things without thinking. She said that since I like to write "read and think carefully" before each test, I should also write that before I talk. I don't have all the answers in my head now, but one step I could take is to let more people talk because I notice I tend to spend way too much time talking. As a result, this could annoy people. If I listen more, talk less, then I will ponder more before I utter some words. Another solution is to slow down the pacing of my brain. I notice that my internal thoughts are super loud and fast. It is like whack-a-mole. One thought pops up and another one goes down, but then another one comes rushing in. If I made these thoughts slow down, then I would have more time to reflect upon what I want to say. An actionable thing I could do is practicing meditation on a regular basis because meditation avoids being reactive and I notice that I am reactive by nature, which may cause me to not think before I speak. 

I am aware that when I write, I act like a driver driving down a winding road. I notice that writing an outline for my blogs is effective and is something I should do more often, though it is hard to follow my initial outline since I have so many thoughts in all sorts of directions. It is the process of blogging that lets me do some effective problem solving and self-analysis. I need to write about A in order to write about B, which then helps me address C, with C being the root cause/solution/problem.