Thoughts about My Past Diet

"What would you have said to your 2016 self?" 

This college interview question threw me off. Despite spending hours preparing for the interview by reading 160+ questions online, I did not come across this type of question. The first answer that came into my mind wasn't how I would have told my 2016 self to not take things in Taiwan for granted, whether it was the simple pleasures of eating tofu pudding or using public transport to explore the city. Instead, the first thing I told my interview was that "I wished I wasn't so obsessed with vegetarianism." The moment I finished my sentence, I knew this would raise some eyebrows. Worse, what if my interviewer was vegetarian or even vegan? I clarified by saying, "What I meant was that I wished I was more careful about what online sources I read." Unpleasant memories of times I read vegan blogs and activist websites came up. 

After the interview, I thought about my response to the question not only because I worried about what my interviewer thought, but also because I wondered how did I become obsessed with vegetarianism in middle school. It is not like my thoughts about my dietary changes over the past four years didn't exist before the interview. I have been thinking a lot about my past self. One major change was that I went from someone that enjoyed eating meat as a child to someone obsessed with vegetarianism/veganism as a middle schooler to someone that is now back to my original diet. Before I talk about my conflicting feelings and thoughts, I would like to clarify that I have nothing against people that are vegetarians or vegans. My problem is when people with a particular diet that is not restricted to veganism (e.g. paleo, keto, etc.) preach their diet as the best one. Unfortunately, I was one of those types of people before.

My story on how I became interested in vegetarianism was probably not unusual. First, my curiosity about this diet was quite innocuous. One day, I read the school's upper school newspaper and one article featured popular Instagrammers at the school. One of them did vegan meals. I wanted to know more about this lifestyle, so I searched for the student's main inspiration. Then I came across a documentary called Cowspiracy. After watching that documentary, I was horrified that eating meat was one contributor to greenhouse emissions. In hindsight, I think that some of the documentary's statistics are questionable and might be exaggerated. As someone who wanted to change the world (I still do, but more interested in science outreach), I told my parents that I was not going to eat meat anymore. My parents were like, "You need to eat seafood," so I reluctantly accepted an occasional meal of seafood twice a week. 

I initially thought that my purpose for changing my diet would be limited to environmental concerns, but this changed after I read about the horrible treatment of animals. And this meant reading PETA, which is a website you should not browse because of its controversial marketing methods. My interest in plant-based diets didn't stop there. I read vegan websites that preached how healthy vegan diets were and how it not only transformed their physical health but also their spiritual and mental health. The internet painted this diet as a panacea that would guarantee happiness and make me become a better human being. 

After a couple of months, I gradually became preachy. I told my friends why they should consider becoming vegetarian and I wrote articles exposing the cruel treatment in the meat and dairy industry. I embodied this mindset that reminded me of the mentality that people in cults have: unwilling to listen to other opinions, thinking that their views are the best, converting other people, etc. It seemed that veganism was creeping in to become part of my identity. At home, I kept trying to convince my brother to stop eating meat even though it was not working. When I went to a new school, I introduced myself by telling others that I was interested in veganism not only for the plant but also for animals. Back when I had Instagram, I browsed images posted by vegan social influencers that depicted veganism in a romanticized way. Slim bodies, healthy meals, happy faces, you name it. I viewed these social influencers as role models and people that I thought were well informed about nutrition. During that time, what I couldn't wait to do after leaving home was to become vegan. 

Thankfully, this phase came to an end. My parents felt that I wasn't healthy after not eating meat for a year, but I denied it. To this day, I don't think that during this time I was very unhealthy. I probably was, but I didn't recognize the signs because I kept believing that I must be healthy. After all, I didn't eat meat. The longer I spent my time learning about veganism, the more rigid my thinking became so this meant it was harder for my parents to convince me that it had to end. I didn't want this to happen, but ultimately I went back to eating meat after my pediatrician told me I couldn't do this. After being brainwashed by the inaccurate sources I read online, I didn't even trust my pediatrician. The worst realization I have after reflecting upon who I was back in late middle school was how I never questioned where these vegan influencers got their sources. These were people who did not study nutrition or life sciences in college. Heck, they weren't licensed doctors. And despite all of this, I trusted them and never thought much about whether they had the authority to say veganism was healthy.   

The first month of eating meat again in 2017 was probably one of the hardest times in my life. In 2015, I drooled at the sight of pork chops. In 2016, I thought of animal suffering when I saw meat at restaurants and grocery stores. Within a year, I transformed my perspective significantly and I still find this to be crazy. When I ate meat again, it was like swallowing a rock. I felt like I was doing something against my will because it did not align with my beliefs. Drinking milk felt like drinking a nasty drink that burned your throat. All I thought was how many baby calves suffered in the dairy industry. It took me around 6 months or a year before I went back to my normal life. 

It is now 2020 and I am like my old self again. My mouth waters when I see chicken drumsticks and at times I probably eat more meat than I should be. While it is good that my normal lifestyle does not cause conflicts with my family, I still feel this guilt when I eat meat. How did I successfully stop thinking of the graphic pictures and videos that I saw years ago? Shouldn't those stay with me for the rest of my life? The conflict that I experience is that one side of me tells me that I should stop eating meat because I am promoting animal cruelty, while the other side tells me I should eat meat because it is necessary for my diet. 

When I look back, I have mixed feelings. I am glad I am not that narrow-minded, but at the same time I wish I still have compassion for animals. But if I have to choose between the 2016 self or my current self, I would probably choose the latter. I don't want to experience feelings of disillusionment ever again.