Cowardice

My 6th grade friend and I walk to the library after lunch, but two girls stop us in our tracks. I knew one of them disliked my friend and could sense that something bad was going to happen. The first girl taunts my friend, "You like Richard, don't you? You like a dick." I don't believe what I am hearing. "No, I don't. Please stop," says my friend. The situation doesn't get any better. "Your last name is Padhi. Sounds like potty." The second girl laughs with her friend. I am horrified.  How could this be happening in my school that always preached about kindness? I am standing by my 6th grade friend, but I don't tell these bullies to shut up or say how racist they are. I manage to mumble a few words, whispering to my friend, "Let's go." 

Although my memory about that incident is not that clear as I don't recall all the details, I will never forget the feelings I experienced. There were two people saying awful things to my friend, yet I did not have the courage to even stand up for my friend. I chose cowardice over courage. I apologized to my friend over text after this happened, but she told me to not worry as she doesn't care about those girls. Despite my friend's reassurance, I still feel responsible. 

This now brings me to the title of the blog post, which is my biggest weakness. My biggest weakness is that I lack courage. Ironically, I won the school courage award in science, but that courage is different. The courage I don't have is the courage you need to confront people and correct their behavior. This weakness has stayed with me for my entire life. There were so many times I could have told my classmates at school to stop being so mean towards others, but I chose silence. There were times outside of school that I could have taken a step further to reach out to someone, whether it was seeing a kid who buried his face into his hands or hearing a brother fire insults towards his sister. When I think about that 6th grade incident, I sometimes wonder why did I not say anything. 

I think part of the reason is that I am scared of what the antagonist will say to me. But that answer doesn't satisfy me still. I am trying to come up with an answer, but I can't think of anything. Maybe it is because I am insecure myself and don't want to invoke arguments with mean people even though it may be necessary and the only way to stop them from being mean people. Perhaps I don't want the other person to add me on their list of people he/she despises because I criticized them for their lack of moral character. I don't want them to start hating on me after that incident and then have awkward encounters when I see them. The fact of the matter is that if I want to stand up for my friend or anyone, I will ultimately have people like the ones I described in the anecdote who will dislike me. The problem is that why do I care about whether someone likes me or not? There will always be people that dislike me and sometimes it isn't an indication of who I am but rather who they are. 

If I keep acting like a coward, this could have serious consequences in my life. When I think of times I was a coward, I think of Amir in The Kite Runner. Amir was unhappy for most of his life because he was a coward as a kid, causing his friend Hassan to experience a traumatic event. Amir's choice to remain silent and run away from his friend caused him to lose a friendship, lie to his dad, hide his secret, and let that event haunt him for a long time. 

I don't want that to happen to me. What if I am placed in a situation like Amir's? What if I witness someone who is hitting someone or saying mean things to someone? I cannot remain silent because when I choose silence, I am siding with the enemy.