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My Music Dilemma

 I am not sure why, but lately I have been going back to my music habit in middle school. After deleting embarrassing videos in my YouTube liked playlist, I came across a lot of old music videos. Some made me cringe while others piqued my interest. These included Colbie Caillat, Sara Bareilles, etc. Curious, I decided to listen to these singers again on Spotify. After a week or so, I rewatched a lot of music videos on YouTube. Some songs like Lizstomania or 1901 gave me good memories of the old days. I found them entertaining, but I didn't really like that I was using YouTube for pure entertainment. Something didn't feel right about that choice. I don't know why I am questioning an activity that most people do without feeling any guilt. 

The reason for my uneasy feelings is that I don't like how I was using YouTube as a source of instant gratification or pleasure. I get more out of YouTube by using it to learn about self-improvement or productivity from channels such as Thomas Frank or John Fish. I decided to go back blocking YouTube for a week using Cold Turkey and only checking it on the weekend. If I need to watch YouTube for school, I can use my iPhone. 

The problem is that after I blocked YouTube, I found that I could technically watch these music videos on SongFacts so I ended up blocking Song Facts. I think blocking websites is help, but it doesn't really solve the root of my problem. I find searching songs and listening to them to be a problem because I don't think that is the best form of leisure. It is nice to have feelings of nostalgia come flooding back, but I don't get a lot of happiness from listening to music. Happy lyrics of course make me happy, but I don't like that I end up watching more music videos than I intend to watch. As I watch them, I ask myself, "Why are you watching music videos instead of PLAYING music on the piano?" In other words, why am I always seeking sources of inspiration but not taking action? 

Before I go on, I would like to clarify that I am not saying listening to music is a bad activity. If you are exercising, doing chores, or commuting, I can understand why you would listen to music. However, relying on music as a way to distract yourself or to end the uncomfortable feeling of boredom isn't good. 

Another reason I feel kind of bad when I surf the internet to find more songs is that the songs I search aren't really high quality songs. Some of them are popular old hits from the 2000s or 2010s but that doesn't really make them very good music*. Other times, I feel like I am being a tryhard by fitting into a certain music taste that really isn't mine. I notice that a lot of music that I am lately searching are either alternative rock songs or indie pop song writers. When I listen to this song that I truly enjoy, I still have this question in my head that keeps asking me, "Are you listening to this song because it makes you unconventional or is it because you actually like it?" 

As I write this blog, I think I am coming closer to the reason why I don't feel good about my developing habit. I am scared that I am going to listen to too many songs and end up not listening to any classical music. As a person that does piano, I feel like it is necessary to listen to some classical music because this will help you develop a greater appreciation for the song you are practicing. I am aware that what I am writing about sounds so petty and silly. I just don't want to go back to my 12-year-old self that only blasted mainstream pop songs and stopped listening to classical favorites like Chopin. 

*Music tastes are subjective so I am not saying you should stop listening to mainstream music.

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