Thinking in the Past

A bad habit that I have a hard time quitting is thinking in the past instead of the present. These types of thoughts usually come in the form of regretting past decisions. Most of these decisions are academic ones, such as not doing well on an exam. Even if such event happened a month or two ago, my mind can't stop but ask myself questions that only worsen my mood by making me more anxious and self-critical. For instance, I did not do well on the free response section on the AP physics exam in May. It is already June and people who have taken the test with me are probably enjoying their summer while this bad test experience drifts in my mind. A common analogy that meditation practitioners like to compare clouds as thoughts. They drift and are in your presence, but they are temporary and then vanish. Unfortunately, I cling on to them and let the cloud follow me where ever I go. Thinking about hypothetical situations about how I could have changed the past in that particular moment is not only useless but a waste of mental energy. Most of these thoughts would start with the sentence "I could have..." or "I wish I did ...". I think I tend to do this quite often because I expect that things should go in my favor and that I have the capability to be well prepared (most of the time). I cannot accept the possibility why I could let such mistakes slip in. This mindset was worse before I started high school and I gradually have accepted that it is not unusual to fail in something once in a while. 

It is obvious that I cannot change the past. All I can do is to do things differently in the future, whether that be study habits, exam taking habits, etc. Although it is good to use failures to evaluate yourself (study like Darwin) and think of the reasons behind these mishaps, frequently ruminating on the past in the end doesn't make you feel any better. Another practice that I should adopt to stop this bad habit is accepting my flaws. Even if I have improved a lot in preventing mistakes in tests, the act of making mistakes will never come to a complete end. To end on a more positive note, it is from self-acceptance and being mindful that will stop my mind from wandering all the time.