Today is the last day of September and I don't know what to put in the title, so I decided on using the Green Day song even though it wasn't like September wasn't a horrible month.
For now, the school year is good. I don't mind my classes and they are much more enjoyable than last semester. I have gone to two BSO concerts so far and my clubs are pretty exciting. Splash is in person again and that makes me even more motivated to tell as many people to teach for Splash.
The low times of September are questioning why I majored in chemistry & biology (Course 5-7) as well as wondering why I want to do research in the first place. I feel like I am not adapting to the new technologies that the 21st-century demands, which is the intersection of computer science with other fields, such as biology. The problem is that as much as I would like to improve my coding, I am scared of coding. I took the most basic intro-level programming class at MIT and that was already hard for me. I did fine in the end grade-wise, but I had to spend so much time on the assignments and go to a lot of office hours. It was painful. It was so hard that I had to switch from the half-term version to the semester version because I couldn't keep up with the pace. As a result, I dropped the other half-term class.
I experience a wide range of emotions within a day, which is a bit concerning. Today I was very depressed during the lab group meeting because I didn't understand why I was staying in chemistry when I didn't feel very inspired as I listened to the person talking. I don't mean to say this in a disparaging way. Chemistry is an important field because of its relevance in fields like medicine, but for me personally, it sometimes feels a bit removed from applications. I wondered why I already defined the path of doing a PhD when there are other options out there, like science education and science communication. But I have not really encountered any MIT student here who plans to attend a graduate school for education in the hopes of learning how to improve STEM education. If I knew an alum out there involved in that field, it would make me consider taking some teaching classes and becoming a certified educator. But teachers in the U.S. are underpaid for their educational background.
I was depressed during lab group meeting because I was scared that I would end up hating the rest of my life for working as a bench scientist in some pharmaceutical company. There is this fear I have that artificial intelligence and computer science will make the major biopharma companies wane in power and traditional scientists will lose their jobs. It sounds kind of irrational, but I have to admit that the field of medicine will have to adapt as digital technology improves. I know that in the long run, what I major in won't matter that much. But it feels so important now. I am also aware that skills are transferrable and people can change job scopes, yet at the same time, I am scared I will have trouble making that transition.
In group meeting, I was kind of annoyed at myself for not wanting to major in biochemical engineering (10B) simply because I didn't want to take some of the chemical engineering classes. I have no interest in learning transport processes, reactor design, or fluid mechanics. But the chemical engineering guest lectures I have attended so far feel so much more exciting than the chemistry ones. When I went to the lectures, it feels like I am listening to people who are pioneers in their field, making medical solutions that have more direct applications. On the other hand, when I go to some chemistry lectures, I feel like some research involves synthesizing molecules simply for the sake of synthesis. If it isn't pure organic chemistry, then I feel like the mission is to understand a molecule or biological structure on a deeper level, ultimately gaining more knowledge in the process. Don't get me wrong; I like learning the mechanisms behind fundamental processes like glycolysis and anaerobic respiration. But one can enjoy learning a subject but not necessarily pursue the subject as a professional career. A number of people like chemistry and biology, but they did not major in that field because they didn't like the wet labs.
I am tired of pretending that I like my current research. It is sad that I was so excited in the beginning when I read the lab website. I have to admit, the description sounds very cool. But it isn't until I started doing research that I realized that if my research does help with understanding the protein's function, it will take more than a decade or two for a pharmaceutical company to actually start using the knowledge from my research to design novel antibiotics for tuberculosis. I still find the subject of proteins to be interesting, but I don't really like the methods used to study proteins. A number of chemistry techniques feel old school, but I am not sure if there is any other way around these techniques to do chemistry research. It has been the same techniques for the past 50 years or so. A couple of chemistry labs have some element of computational research, but it's not the type of research I would be interested in doing as it involves studying chemistry from a theoretical perspective.
I am sad that I felt so certain and confident that I would be a biochemist in senior year of high school, only to gradually start doubting my motivations for doing so in college. I think at least for now, one thing that won't change is that my main research goal will be related to medicine and diseases. I have vaguely considered the idea of consulting, but reading the case studies bored me. The only case study that caught my eye was advising the education sector of a government. If I don't end up doing medicine, then I see myself wanting to contribute to improving education.
Going back to the title, if there was one sad theme that kept happening throughout this month, it is not knowing why I want to do chemistry & biology and not knowing whether I truly like chemistry research. It is wondering whether I will find the burning passion for research in the future. It is questioning why I am willing to do graduate school when I can just go to industry and make more money. It is being uncertain about whether I will actually make a tangible impact in the field of medicine as it takes many years to get a drug approved by the FDA.
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