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Tired of Hating Myself

For the past month or so, I am tired of being hard on myself. I don't want to keep hating myself for not being good/hard-working/ambitious enough. I want to love myself and be happy. I am sick of having this cloud follow me around whenever I walk because I criticize myself for procrastinating or not finishing things right away. Maybe the only way to motivate me to become ambitious and hardworking again is that is the only way I can be at peace. I don't want to keep fighting this inner war all the time. I notice that a lot of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life boil down to one thing: not being self-disciplined. Writing that sentence suddenly reminded me of a video about Jocko Willink I watched a while ago. I think the video was about why he wakes up at 4:30 AM. In my opinion, 4:30 AM is too early. Something like 5:30 AM would be more reasonable. But that is beside the point. He said something along the lines of "discipline equals freedom." Those three words are the answer to how I can be happy. If I am not free, then I can't be happy. I think those two connections make sense. 

I don't know how long I can live like this. A quarter of my life is over (based on the assumption I live until 80). Do I really want to keep berating myself and being irritated for not doing anything according to plan or not even applying useful advice from books I read? I think my behavior is simply a major procrastination. I really don't want to graduate college and wistfully write a blog reflection about college regrets, like not being good with time management. I believe that there are some values in regret, but I am losing my patience. I hate repeating the same mistakes over and over again by telling myself to study for a midterm a week in advance, only to end up studying a day or two before the midterm. 

I know that this blogpost is pretty dim and bleak, but I can't keep these feelings to myself anymore. I just need some platform to write them out and let go of them. I am not sure how therapeutic it is but I think keeping them all in my head squeezes my heart even tighter. 


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