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On Self-Hatred

 I think one of the biggest personal challenges that I have is that I cannot forgive myself for my past mistakes or actions. Some of the things that I hate myself aren't really bad, but rather things that I exaggerate and amplify. I hang on to the past and I fail to see myself through a different light that is more understanding and empathic. I once texted my online friend about this problem, and what I found interesting is that she learned to learn from her past mistakes and move on to focus on the future. Similarly, I discussed this insecurity with my summer camp friend over a Zoom call and a huge difference I noticed was that instead of feeling embarrassed about some past incidents, she found them to be funny and light-hearted. This caused me to wonder whether it is uncommon for people like me to always remind themselves of their past mistakes. 

The past-self that I hate the most is my 6th-grade self. I have said some pretty unforgivable things in high school that I still remember, but 6th-grade stands out the most out of the other grades. I have these random thoughts every day about how much I dislike my 6th-grade self and I honestly haven't really discussed this with a lot of friends. To the majority of readers, it may puzzle them why would I hate my 6th-grade self. When I see 6th graders these days, they are still children, but they are approaching adolescence. 

I think the main reason I hate my 6th-grade self was that I thought being a 6th-grader was such a big deal because I was no longer in elementary school. I was never a popular kid and I never had desires to be popular, but I started to become more superficial. I wanted to be cool by listening to mainstream pop music, causing my former interest in classical music to die away. I posted things on social media that other people also posted. I claimed that I was a fan of this pop singer when in reality it was not genuine. I became more materialistic by asking my parents to buy me an iPod and iTunes gift card when I did not need those items in my life. I wasted my afternoons watching entertaining yet pointless videos on YouTube. I texted people on Google Hangouts about who I liked and didn't like. I caught the contagious disease of middle school romance by obsessing over love songs. I asked the sports recreation coach weird questions about his romantic adventures in high school. I ended up being the subject of middle school gossip, which I don't want to delve deep into this blog. 

I have said enough about specific reasons why I dislike my 6th-grade self and I probably don't need to elaborate more. What these things have in common is that they show that I wanted to conform to society and I focused too much on growing up and acting like an adult when there was no need to rush. They show that I cared about surface-level things and focused too much on modern trends. When I say this, I do not say this with nostalgia for the good old days. I just wished I wasn't so preoccupied with unimportant things like shoe brands. 

My blog also presents a lot of problems. It may sound like that I am attacking pop music and some actions that seem quite innocuous like being a cheesy romantic. If I were to evaluate these things objectively, they aren't bad. However, associating myself with those things doesn't make me happy. 

If I had the opportunity to go back to the first day of middle school, I would tell my former self to be my true self and not fixate on silly things like romance and trying to act mature. But what is my true self? Well, I would say that my true self does not let my surroundings influence my lifestyle choices too much.  As for romance, I cannot find a reason to explain why I was so foolish. While it is not unusual for middle school girls to have crushes on celebrities or their classmates, I somehow find it mortifying that I developed such feelings at a young age. Besides being shallow, my infatuations only looked at physical looks. These feelings of infatuation do occasionally come back up from time to time though I am a lot harsher at myself for having such thoughts. If I were to graph my levels of romantic feelings on the y axis with the x-axis being time, it would have peaked at that time and then plummet after 6th grade and slowly rise again but plateau in high school. By definition, an 11-year-old is still a child. Unfortunately, sometimes my brain goes against what I think is rational and I end up being a hypocrite. 

Will I ever accept my 6th-grade-self? In all honesty, I don't really know. If I talk to a therapist, that may help, but at the same time, it sounds really petty for me to talk about why I dislike my 6th-grade-self when there are other big problems that people encounter. One thing I am sure about is that I would like to talk to a psychotherapist about my weird relationship with having romantic feelings as it is filled with embarrassment and annoyance. 

I am sorry if I sound really messed up, especially my thoughts regarding puppy love. But I agree with the fact that love is a form of madness and I think I am better off not falling into that trap again. I mean, it is kind of unavoidable for me but it still can be prevented. 

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